I'm not even sure how to start this. As we're heading in to September, it's hard to believe all that's happened this year. Losing a parent has obviously been the biggest thing, but more than anything, this has been a huge year of realization and facing stuff I've suppressed for over 20 years.
I have a passion bigger than anything in this whole world - I want to be onstage, doing musicals.
I was ridiculed for that; was criticized, bullied, made fun of, and told I would never be good enough. This was at a high school known for musical theatre. This was a place where my passion should have been accepted, fostered, and educated, and instead it was the opposite.
Not that I'm saying my experience there is solely to be blamed. I can remember being bullied by someone each year in my class since Kindergarten, and I started to believe the lies that I wasn't good enough quite early on. I also remember many people in my churches growing up who were supposed to be people I looked up to, who instead were unnurturing, some of whom even did very inappropriate things.
Basically, what I've known a really long time, but have never come outright and said it or faced it, is that I don't like myself.
....I'm the one who's keeping myself from doing well at auditions, booking gigs, making strong friendships, and being the best person I can be. On some very small level, I think I'm pretty, but deep down I believe that I'm unattractive and overweight. On some level, I believe that I'm talented, but deep down, I believe that I'm not good enough to work professionally, or to even be friends with my colleagues, let alone work with them, because I'll never be worthy of that kind of talent in my life.
When it comes to friends, I've always felt like the awkward outsider. Whenever I'm in groups, I feel like everyone else is really close and I'm just the annoying tag-along that people ignore. And when people talk to me, I always feel like the 'filler' person and it's all small talk, until someone more important comes along and then they go talk to them. I constantly berate myself for feeling awkward around people, and progressively feel more and more insignificant.
So because I don't like myself, I think I inadvertently created a separate persona as a performer, hoping that people will like Esther the performer, versus Esther the person. I don't know how to perform as Esther the person. I want to know how. I don't want to be ashamed of being myself when I'm doing the thing I love more than anything in this world.
I've taken the next two weeks off of my day job to start looking for ways to change, and start feeling positive about myself. This is trying to turn 20 years of negative self-worth around, so I know it's not going to be easy. ...I'll be spending a lot of time writing, exploring, and finding ways to be inspired (being in NY in a couple weeks will help a lot with that, I'm sure). I've also decided to start talking to someone. My Mom made a really good observation that stuck with me; if someone wants to take care of their physical health, they get a gym membership, something quite common that people do. However, mental health is just as important, so it's vital to take care of that also.
I want to stop believing these lies. Right now, I know I still view all these bad things about me as truths, but it's time to break that.
Anyway... I'm pretty scared about all of this. But I'm also afraid to just stay where I am right now. So, I guess here goes nothing.
