I'm a musical theatre dork. I like cupcakes. I love Pinterest. I also love my pink bike. The rest I'll figure out here... and you're welcome to join the ride!
I think it's high time to reconnect with this blog. As things are moving at a crazy pace in my life right now, I may not be posting as often as I'd like right away....... but, little steps! Today was an exhausting, but amazing day.
First, my very first niece was born this morning! I have three adorable nephews; ages 1, 2, and 3 - and now I have a beautiful little girl to spoil as well. Her name is Annabel Tallulah Taylor, and she was born at 3:20am, UK time. Here she is with Mum and big brothers Seth and Josiah!
Secondly, I finished my first big commercial shoot yesterday. Sadly, the commercial is only airing in Europe (although fortunately that does mean I won't have any conflicts with stuff airing here should I get another gig... Crossies!) This afternoon, my agent forwarded me a note from the director of the shoot:
Gina,
Esther is one of the best actors I've worked with... Her interpretation of her character, her delivery, her energy was perfect. She took direction (what little I had to give) well and also was able to memorize her big chunks of dialogue fantastically. She even had a few suggestions and ideas which made the scenes better. Every scene we did with her was a genuine pleasure.
- Matt
Sometimes you just need to hear words like that. Finally, tonight was a lovely evening with my roommate, Alanna. This is a girl who I love very much; she's my friend, and my co-owner of Half-Pint Theatre- and tonight we got to chat about everything from traveling, to future life plans, to how proud we are of our little company - and how far we've come in a year!
And after three days of shooting, it is now high time for another thing. Sleep.
I'm not even sure how to start this. As we're heading in to September, it's hard to believe all that's happened this year. Losing a parent has obviously been the biggest thing, but more than anything, this has been a huge year of realization and facing stuff I've suppressed for over 20 years.
I have a passion bigger than anything in this whole world - I want to be onstage, doing musicals.
I was ridiculed for that; was criticized, bullied, made fun of, and told I would never be good enough. This was at a high school known for musical theatre. This was a place where my passion should have been accepted, fostered, and educated, and instead it was the opposite.
Not that I'm saying my experience there is solely to be blamed. I can remember being bullied by someone each year in my class since Kindergarten, and I started to believe the lies that I wasn't good enough quite early on. I also remember many people in my churches growing up who were supposed to be people I looked up to, who instead were unnurturing, some of whom even did very inappropriate things.
Basically, what I've known a really long time, but have never come outright and said it or faced it, is that I don't like myself.
....I'm the one who's keeping myself from doing well at auditions, booking gigs, making strong friendships, and being the best person I can be. On some very small level, I think I'm pretty, but deep down I believe that I'm unattractive and overweight. On some level, I believe that I'm talented, but deep down, I believe that I'm not good enough to work professionally, or to even be friends with my colleagues, let alone work with them, because I'll never be worthy of that kind of talent in my life.
When it comes to friends, I've always felt like the awkward outsider. Whenever I'm in groups, I feel like everyone else is really close and I'm just the annoying tag-along that people ignore. And when people talk to me, I always feel like the 'filler' person and it's all small talk, until someone more important comes along and then they go talk to them. I constantly berate myself for feeling awkward around people, and progressively feel more and more insignificant.
So because I don't like myself, I think I inadvertently created a separate persona as a performer, hoping that people will like Esther the performer, versus Esther the person. I don't know how to perform as Esther the person. I want to know how. I don't want to be ashamed of being myself when I'm doing the thing I love more than anything in this world.
I've taken the next two weeks off of my day job to start looking for ways to change, and start feeling positive about myself. This is trying to turn 20 years of negative self-worth around, so I know it's not going to be easy. ...I'll be spending a lot of time writing, exploring, and finding ways to be inspired (being in NY in a couple weeks will help a lot with that, I'm sure). I've also decided to start talking to someone. My Mom made a really good observation that stuck with me; if someone wants to take care of their physical health, they get a gym membership, something quite common that people do. However, mental health is just as important, so it's vital to take care of that also.
I want to stop believing these lies. Right now, I know I still view all these bad things about me as truths, but it's time to break that.
Anyway... I'm pretty scared about all of this. But I'm also afraid to just stay where I am right now. So, I guess here goes nothing.
It's tomorrow. The day I've wanted to avoid since February 8th. Father's Day.
Dad was the kind of man who picked me up from the bus station at 5am, when I was getting in from an overnight from New York. One of the days he did this was on Father's Day, even though he was sick. The one day of the year where he's supposed to be getting the special treatment - and instead he chose to put his daughter first, despite everything else in his life.
I haven't wanted to blog since it happened. I haven't wanted to do anything as passionately as I used to, really. Losing a parent, I've realized over these past few months, is probably the hardest thing in the world. It makes you ache on a daily basis, sometimes many times a day. You feel guilty, that even after all this time, you still want to cry, hide, and be angry. You feel particularly guilty for the people who are extremely close to you, that they on some level, have to go through it as well, since it's something you're still going through. It's been just over four months, and it's still hard going to auditions, going to work, and just getting from one day to the next.
Since it happened, I've lost a part of myself that I'm worried I won't get back. I feel like I've lost a lot of compassion and patience in general, and that I'm less passionate about doing things I love. I don't try as hard as I used to. I find I have a harder time genuinely listening to others, and my self-esteem has plummeted. I feel like I've lost close friends, not because they don't care, but because they don't know what to say, or how to help.
I want things to go back to normal. But apparently from what I hear, normal then, isn't normal now. And I don't know how to adjust to "normal now" yet. Even after four months. I miss the passionate, driven girl I used to be. And while that girl hasn't gone away completely, I just don't have the same ambition as I did. I want it back so desperately and don't know how to find it again.
I miss my Dad so much. Sometimes I still pick up the phone thinking I'll hear his voice. Sometimes I still expect him to show up when I sing or perform somewhere, with his harmonica around his neck and a fedora on his head. I need to hear him tell me I'm 'Esther "Broadway" Vallins', and how he's so proud of me, his talented daughter. I don't feel that way anymore.
I'm sure this day every year will get a little less difficult as time goes on. But as for tomorrow - I'm not ready.
Today's Musical Theatre Dork Monday blog is short, but sweet. You may remember in my first Musical Theatre Dork Monday post, I talked a little about William Finn and my love for his mash-up of 'I'd Rather Be Sailing' from 'A New Brain', and 'Set Those Sails' from 'In Trousers'.
A couple weeks ago, I had the pleasure of getting to sing this mash-up at a Cabaret in Toronto. My dear friend Jeff Jones hosts a monthly Cabaret filled with lots of Toronto talent every last Sunday of the month at the Dominion on Queen Street. You should go!
Here's the mash-up, performed last Sunday alongside my boyfriend, Arthur Wright. Enjoy!
First of all, I can't tell you how much everyone's responses on my last blog mean to me. This week certainly hasn't been easy - but to know how much support I have from all you wonderful people means more than you'll ever know.
Today is kind of a mix of a Fairytale Friday and musical theatre dorkedom as well. This song reminds me exactly of how I felt about fairytales when I was little. This is the incomparable Stephanie J. Block singing 'Never Neverland' from 'Piece - the Musical', composed by Scott Alan.
Today's Musical Theatre Dork Monday is a bit different. As per the norm though - there is a song at the end of this post. One that was written for me - by a very special man.
I love my Dad. His name is Michael Vallins. He's one of the most imaginative, generous, loving people you'll ever meet. He's also a very British (lived in the east end of London most of his life. He still sounds like a most genuine cockney), stubborn, and unwavering man.
Dad and I never had a great relationship growing up. I think we were too alike. Like many Dads, he spent much time working. He owned his own business - Steadfast Safety Services. In my parents' separation in 2002, once given space, Dad and I were able to share our passions for music, theatre, and creativity - rather than slam doors on each other.
Though he had his business, his biggest dream was still set on being an artist. The amount of talents this man has is rather abundant. He loved to create things - though not all his projects were successful; I still remember him trying to make popsicles in an ice cube tray using Marmite and apple butter.
Dad was once a photographer. In fact, he traveled around the world for awhile, and was taken to places like Morocco and various countries in South America to shoot. This shot of his has always been my favourite - and he nearly lost his life taking it! He got away just in time... just from looking at the photo you can tell he was almost turned into lunch.
Among other things, Dad is a guitar player, a singer, an amazing harmonica player, a published poet, and also a jewelry designer! He loved making rings, bracelets, and necklaces out of all kinds of forks and spoons and giving them to his friends. Now I see these pieces everywhere. Dad was making them before they were popular... so I guess that makes him a hipster too. He's also a fantastic writer with acolumn in Canada Free Press - as well as a songwriter, with a plethora of different pieces, including one great musical.
Now he's sick. Three and a half years ago, Michael was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus. However, Dad was determined to fight through it and did some pretty amazing things through to the present. One big thing being - he staged his musical that he began writing over 30 years ago. The show, then titled 'Metamorphorically Speakin' (now known as 'My Fair Laddie') is a 'My Fair Lady' story in reverse, set in London in the swingin' sixties. It centers around an upper-class young bloke who wants to be a singer, in the time of the Beatles and the Searchers - and has to learn to be a Cockney. After writing it, showing it to many producers and impresarios, and getting multiple rejections, he put the show away. But upon my graduating Randolph Academy in 2007, Dad wanted there to be opportunity for me, to work doing what I love. So the musical came off the shelf, and with the help of some very dear friends, we staged it (with a pretty killer cast might I add),
played a sold-out run, and received amazing reviews. How many people can say their Dad wrote a musical for them? The experience leading up to the show, and performing the show with Dad will always be one of the most special times in my life. One song in the musical was added just weeks before we went up. A special song written for me, called 'I'm Just a Dad'. A video of the song is at the bottom of this post. It's beautiful.
When more tumors surfaced in his brain last month, we knew unless there was a miracle, it wouldn't be long. The emergency trips to the hospital are increasing. This weekend, my Dad was admitted again. He still hasn't come out. This time, he's also battling severe pneumonia, with no immune system. It's possible he won't be leaving the hospital this time.
I realize I'm blessed. Some people with cancer beat it - but others don't last more than a few months after being diagnosed. I've had three and a half wonderful years with my Dad.
But right now - in this moment, I have so many questions. The biggest one being, How on earth do you deal with the loss of a parent? How long will it hurt this much? How often am I going to pick up the phone before remembering he won't be on the other end? How often do I have to fake a smile around friends and say I'm grateful? My Dad is dying. I feel lost. I'm so scared.
I prayed for three and a half years he'd be at my wedding to walk me down the aisle, and sing 'I'm Just a Dad' to me at the reception - but I guess somewhere, I know that he's going to a place with no pain, where he'll still be able to look down on me that day.
To be honest, I don't really know how to end this. I want to be hopeful. I want to be there for my family. I want to be brave. But I'm not. I already miss him so much.
One night, I strangely had free time on my hands and decided to watch some TV, but couldn't find anything familiar. A listing came up for something called 'Once Upon a Time.' The title alone screamed my name, though I'd never heard of it. So, I went into it blindly - quite pleased with the outcome of that hour of my life I let ABC take from me.
If you've seen LOST (The writers for both shows are one in the same), Once Upon a Time is a drama/fantasy series that lends itself quite similarly to the concept of two different worlds... only instead of plane crash survivors, we're introduced to our favourite well-known fairytale characters. In the pilot episode, we find ourselves at Snow White and Prince Charming's wedding. The party is soon crashed, as the Evil Queen bursts in uninvited, and threatens the promise an evil curse that will ruin the lives of every being in the entire land - save herself. Snow and Charming are soon expecting a baby, whom they are desperate to keep safe from the Queen's prophecy. They discreetly go to visit the most sinister of all - Rumplestiltskin, who explains that if she can escape the dark magic, that this baby will become the saviour.
On the day the baby is born, the Queen's curse has also birthed - and all is to be doomed. But, Snow White and Charming's baby fortuitously makes it into a magical wardrobe where she will be transported somewhere safe. In getting her there, Charming is brutally attacked right as the winds violently begin to turn, tumultuously sending all of Fairytale Land into desolation as the Queen watches triumphantly.
Flash forward to modern day. We find ourselves in the quaint town of Storybrooke, Maine where time is frozen. No one can enter Storybrooke, and no one can leave. Our fairytale characters have all resurfaced. Snow White is a school teacher named Mary Margaret. Prince Charming is now a vegetable only known as John Doe. Granny owns a B&B and can hardly keep a handle on her promiscuous granddaughter Ruby. Rumplestiltskin is a man named Mr. Gold who essentially runs the town because of his wealth. And the mayor of the town... you guessed it, the evil Queen herself - moonlighting as a woman named Regina Mills. Her adopted 10-year old son, Henry however, has a book of fairytales and somehow knows the true fate of all who live in this banished town. He also is determined to bring his birth mother to Storybrooke, who he secretly ventures out to find in Boston. Once he finds bounty hunter Emma Swan, he convinces her she must travel back with him in order to break the curse. Yep, you guessed it - Emma Swan is the golden child who made it out alive. According to a news story, she was discovered in modern day world as an infant on the side of the road. Though jaded and sarcastic, Emma agrees to travel back to Storybrooke - mostly to return her newfound son to his adopted mother, Regina. But, as soon as Emma enters Storybrooke, things start to change.
As for the rest - you'll have to watch for yourself! You can watch all the episodes for free on CTV's website. At present, the series is only about ten episodes in. In each episode, time is equally divided between modern day world and fairytale world, which is quite fun - to discover all the characters' backstories, especially the villains'. One of the most fun parts is trying to figure out who each character is, as some people we've met in modern day, and not yet in fairytale world, and vice versa! Many characters have been introduced so far, and it'll be interesting to see who else we meet (some people we still haven't met are Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan, Robin Hood, etc.). As OUAT is an ABC network show, their ties with Disney have married quite well with this script (For example, the fire department's Dalmatian is actually named Pongo). Learning the backstories of characters is also an enjoyable part of this show (We learn about Snow White's not so nice side, how the evil Queen got the poison apple, why Rumplestiltskin is so evil, etc.)
Not only is the concept for the show clever, and the writing quite well done - but there are some fantastically executed performances from the cast. Robert Carlyle (The Full Monty, 28 Weeks Later) who plays Rumplestiltskin has the ability to go from charming and lovable, to ruthless and snivelling within a matter of seconds. It's amazing the way you want to love him, but also know you can't, as he's not batting for Team Good. Lana Parrilla (Spin City, 24) is a new face to me - but her performance as the evil Queen is spot on, and beautifully played. Other notable mentions go to Ginnifer Goodwin (He's Just Not that Into You) as Snow White.
Well, now that I've hyped it up - what are you waiting for? Go get you some fairytale awesomeness! You're welcome.
