I'm a musical theatre dork. I like cupcakes. I love Pinterest. I also love my pink bike. The rest I'll figure out here... and you're welcome to join the ride!
Today is Day 2 of my '30 Days of Creative Inspiration' project. Reading Smart Actors, Foolish Choices yesterday was awesome for Day 1, and it's definitely something I want to come back to this month.
One really big thing I want to do in this project is see more theatre, which will probably have to wait til the end of the month, as I'm in a show myself until Feb. 16th! I'm both in it and producing it. It's called 'A Night of Shanley', and the show is a double bill of two one-act plays by the great American playwright, John Patrick Shanley. We open a week today!
Today's inspiration is this list I found. I can't find the original source, so I unfortunately cannot credit it; however, I'll put out a universal thank you to whoever the person was that created this list! See below.
I know I personally could be doing numbers 2, 3, 11, 12, 18, 26, 29.... well, really all of them more often, but those are just a few that stand out to me. I love this list. This is definitely something that I'll be printing out today and throwing on my fridge.
I encourage you all to take a look at the list for yourselves! But for me, it's time for numbers 2 and 4 - Carry a Notebook Everywhere, and Get Away from the Computer. See you tomorrow for Day 3!
Ah, the "dry season", as many of us actors call it. Being in a brutally gruelling industry is hard enough (but still wonderful, don't get me wrong!), but around this time of year, things can seem even more bleak. I've decided that this would be a PERFECT time to find ways to feel even more creatively fulfilled than ever, dry season or not. So, today starts 'Esther's 30-Day Creative Inspiration Project'. Every day I'll find, and share something that inspires me as an artist. This will include books I read, shows I see, finding new discoveries in the show I'm in, 'A Night of Shanley', articles, photographs, and whatever else might be out there. Today is Day 1, and I have to accredit today's inspiration to my dear friend, Ryan Browne, a fellow actor. A couple months ago when the industry had completely shot my self-esteem, he suggested this book to me, which I finally got around to picking up. It's called 'Smart Actors, Foolish Choices - A Self-Help Guide to Coping with the Emotional Stresses of the Business'.
The book isn't focused on acting technique, or how to have a great audition, or the tricks of the business. The book is for the emotional psyche of the person, not the actor. This is something that I know is really going to benefit me, and even though I've just started Chapter 1, I think this book will help me feel better about myself, both as a person and as a performer. Over the next 30 days, you might see this book come up again. I'm also extremely interested to hear suggestions from all of you wonderful people in the industry out there! What inspires you - any specific books, movies, something you stick on the back of your door or on your fridge, or plays on in Toronto right now? I'd love to hear what you've got. This next month is really my own, live version of 'The Artist's Way'. It's going to be good!
It's no secret that Christmas is my absolute favourite time of year. Ever since I was little - everything about Christmas made my heart flutter, and... well, I'm still little....... just older. Whenever I see trees for sale outside the grocery store, the first shipments of clementines and egg nog, and kids visiting Santa Claus - I turn five again. Of course, everyone has the generic holiday traditions, and everyone has more specific, varied traditions within their family or amongst groups of friends. My favourite of all has to be Baking Day. This event over the years has created quite a following with my friends, and I love how it brings people together.
How'd it all begin? It was during the time I was home schooled, so maybe when I was thirteen or fourteen-years-old. I went with my Mom to her friends' Christmas cookie exchange. It was a weekday morning, with a couple of her close ladies. I loved how happy everyone was, not to mention the abundance of wonderful Christmas sweets. I wanted to have an event like this too! But obviously like, fun, and like, hip, and like, for adolescents, and we'd play like, Simple Plan's 'My Christmas List'.
My first year back in school, I was fifteen-years-old, when the first Baking Day came to be. Over the years, more people started attending, we threw in adding old school Christmas specials on VHS, complete with early 90s commercials (since not everyone could fit in the kitchen!), and the recipe for 'Esther's Special Hot Chocolate' was created. This has become a Baking Day favourite, and the recipe to this day still remains super top secret!
.....And now here we are - eleven years later?!? Which boggles my mind - how crazy to think that a tradition has carried on this long! Old high school friends still attend the event too!
Along with watching 'Muppet Christmas Carol' on Christmas Eve, and decorating the tree, this is my favourite holiday tradition. As Baking Day is tomorrow, I'd post some photos of Baking Days through the years. Take a look, maybe you'll see your very own wonderful self!
Baking Day 2005, Jenni, Heather, and Katherine
circa 2005, Miriam, Jenni, Steph, Candance, Meaghan, and Allie
Famous chocolate chip cherry cookies... that still get made every year!
Cassie and Kristen... these lovely girls still come every year! And holy crap, this is actually from seven years ago.
Baking Day 2009 with Steph Seaton!
circa 2009 - Kristen and Steph at Baking Day four years later
Sssshhhh... we're hiding from the gingerbread house monster? I don't know.
Baking Day 2010... the first one living downtown! With Amanda.
Baking Day 2011 - Cassie smashing some candy canes!
Baking Day 2011 and Kristen is still here! Along with the awesome Simon.
Baking Day 2011 post chocolate attack.
Baking Day 2011 - Phil, post icing attack
Baking Day 2011 - watching Muppet Family Christmas while the rest of us are in the kitchen
.....excited to see what photos shall surface this year! Baking Day tomorrow!
One of my goals this month was to write/blog more often. Nov. 24th.... better late than never! Another goal this month was to finish reading a book I started a few months ago, but put away for awhile. It's called 'The Happiness Project', written by Gretchen Rubin. I've never been one for self-help books, but what I've liked about this one so far, is that the author gives you insight to her 'happiness project', while remaining adamant that this is what worked for her - and the reader is welcome to try it themselves; however, they should tinker with the 'formula' and find their own happiness project. What works for one person, may not be the perfect solution for another. That being said - I've found many things that have provided excellent insight and advice to finding more joy in my life, though not everything in the book has been a 'eureka' moment, or something I would agree with. This morning, I came up with my own rule that will help keep my house cleaner! I love deadlines. I love the feeling of getting things done on a deadline, and also the adrenaline of doing things by a certain time. So, my plan is, once a day, to set my alarm for exactly 15 minutes. In those 15 minutes, I will get as much cleaning done as possible... But when the alarm goes off, I have to stop everything I'm doing. I hate cleaning with a fiery passion. But when I do get to it, I get obsessive about it and then do it for hours, which makes me resent it even more. This way, I'll get a little bit done each day, and won't immediately feel like I'm losing hours of time once I begin cleaning. Hopefully this works! Today however, I decided I want to focus a bit on something in the book that really stood out to me. Finding time for fun. As a certified musical theatre dork, I think, 'Well, what I do is already fun, and in my spare time, I have even more fun going to shows, listening to old and new cast recordings, and watching 'Submissions Only'!' ...However, this is a different kind of fun. It's a kind of fun that is completely separate from things that pertain to my everyday life. Really, I suppose it's the things we do as hobbies. But do I honestly take the time for that? Do a lot of us? Probably not. We all have things that we do for pleasure; reading, watching TV, spending time with our friends, and the like - but how often do we read something in a magazine more than once that we find interesting, yet still ignore it? Or find ourselves saying "I've always wanted to learn a certain skill", or "start an art collection", or whatever it may be? These things that we connect to and would like to do end up being put on the back burner because they are less necessary than our "official projects" that pertain to our day to day lives. In Rubin's book, she suggests forming your own 'INTEREST LOG', a place where one can write down things that naturally catch one's attention, instead of forgetting it and moving on to the next order of business in the day. I love this idea. There are multiple things I'm fascinated by, that I want to learn more about, and that I'd love to do..... and never honestly take the time to give them a second thought. So, here is the beginning of my own Interest Log. I'm excited to see where it takes me, both for remembering things I am interested in - and also for making the time to delve further into these subjects. I'm sure there'll be lots added to this list in the next few days. And if you feel like it - start your own! See where it takes you. ESTHER'S INTEREST LOG - Sign language - Learning French, Italian, and Romanian - Learning properly about wine and cheese - Both the history and the current affairs of Israel - My ancestry on both sides of my family - Table etiquette - Collecting 'Beauty and the Beast' mugs and Christmas ornaments - Learning how to drive (yes, I'm 26 and still only have my learner's permit) - ...more to come!
I think it's high time to reconnect with this blog. As things are moving at a crazy pace in my life right now, I may not be posting as often as I'd like right away....... but, little steps! Today was an exhausting, but amazing day.
First, my very first niece was born this morning! I have three adorable nephews; ages 1, 2, and 3 - and now I have a beautiful little girl to spoil as well. Her name is Annabel Tallulah Taylor, and she was born at 3:20am, UK time. Here she is with Mum and big brothers Seth and Josiah!
Secondly, I finished my first big commercial shoot yesterday. Sadly, the commercial is only airing in Europe (although fortunately that does mean I won't have any conflicts with stuff airing here should I get another gig... Crossies!) This afternoon, my agent forwarded me a note from the director of the shoot:
Gina,
Esther is one of the best actors I've worked with... Her interpretation of her character, her delivery, her energy was perfect. She took direction (what little I had to give) well and also was able to memorize her big chunks of dialogue fantastically. She even had a few suggestions and ideas which made the scenes better. Every scene we did with her was a genuine pleasure.
- Matt
Sometimes you just need to hear words like that. Finally, tonight was a lovely evening with my roommate, Alanna. This is a girl who I love very much; she's my friend, and my co-owner of Half-Pint Theatre- and tonight we got to chat about everything from traveling, to future life plans, to how proud we are of our little company - and how far we've come in a year!
And after three days of shooting, it is now high time for another thing. Sleep.
I'm not even sure how to start this. As we're heading in to September, it's hard to believe all that's happened this year. Losing a parent has obviously been the biggest thing, but more than anything, this has been a huge year of realization and facing stuff I've suppressed for over 20 years.
I have a passion bigger than anything in this whole world - I want to be onstage, doing musicals.
I was ridiculed for that; was criticized, bullied, made fun of, and told I would never be good enough. This was at a high school known for musical theatre. This was a place where my passion should have been accepted, fostered, and educated, and instead it was the opposite.
Not that I'm saying my experience there is solely to be blamed. I can remember being bullied by someone each year in my class since Kindergarten, and I started to believe the lies that I wasn't good enough quite early on. I also remember many people in my churches growing up who were supposed to be people I looked up to, who instead were unnurturing, some of whom even did very inappropriate things.
Basically, what I've known a really long time, but have never come outright and said it or faced it, is that I don't like myself.
....I'm the one who's keeping myself from doing well at auditions, booking gigs, making strong friendships, and being the best person I can be. On some very small level, I think I'm pretty, but deep down I believe that I'm unattractive and overweight. On some level, I believe that I'm talented, but deep down, I believe that I'm not good enough to work professionally, or to even be friends with my colleagues, let alone work with them, because I'll never be worthy of that kind of talent in my life.
When it comes to friends, I've always felt like the awkward outsider. Whenever I'm in groups, I feel like everyone else is really close and I'm just the annoying tag-along that people ignore. And when people talk to me, I always feel like the 'filler' person and it's all small talk, until someone more important comes along and then they go talk to them. I constantly berate myself for feeling awkward around people, and progressively feel more and more insignificant.
So because I don't like myself, I think I inadvertently created a separate persona as a performer, hoping that people will like Esther the performer, versus Esther the person. I don't know how to perform as Esther the person. I want to know how. I don't want to be ashamed of being myself when I'm doing the thing I love more than anything in this world.
I've taken the next two weeks off of my day job to start looking for ways to change, and start feeling positive about myself. This is trying to turn 20 years of negative self-worth around, so I know it's not going to be easy. ...I'll be spending a lot of time writing, exploring, and finding ways to be inspired (being in NY in a couple weeks will help a lot with that, I'm sure). I've also decided to start talking to someone. My Mom made a really good observation that stuck with me; if someone wants to take care of their physical health, they get a gym membership, something quite common that people do. However, mental health is just as important, so it's vital to take care of that also.
I want to stop believing these lies. Right now, I know I still view all these bad things about me as truths, but it's time to break that.
Anyway... I'm pretty scared about all of this. But I'm also afraid to just stay where I am right now. So, I guess here goes nothing.
It's tomorrow. The day I've wanted to avoid since February 8th. Father's Day.
Dad was the kind of man who picked me up from the bus station at 5am, when I was getting in from an overnight from New York. One of the days he did this was on Father's Day, even though he was sick. The one day of the year where he's supposed to be getting the special treatment - and instead he chose to put his daughter first, despite everything else in his life.
I haven't wanted to blog since it happened. I haven't wanted to do anything as passionately as I used to, really. Losing a parent, I've realized over these past few months, is probably the hardest thing in the world. It makes you ache on a daily basis, sometimes many times a day. You feel guilty, that even after all this time, you still want to cry, hide, and be angry. You feel particularly guilty for the people who are extremely close to you, that they on some level, have to go through it as well, since it's something you're still going through. It's been just over four months, and it's still hard going to auditions, going to work, and just getting from one day to the next.
Since it happened, I've lost a part of myself that I'm worried I won't get back. I feel like I've lost a lot of compassion and patience in general, and that I'm less passionate about doing things I love. I don't try as hard as I used to. I find I have a harder time genuinely listening to others, and my self-esteem has plummeted. I feel like I've lost close friends, not because they don't care, but because they don't know what to say, or how to help.
I want things to go back to normal. But apparently from what I hear, normal then, isn't normal now. And I don't know how to adjust to "normal now" yet. Even after four months. I miss the passionate, driven girl I used to be. And while that girl hasn't gone away completely, I just don't have the same ambition as I did. I want it back so desperately and don't know how to find it again.
I miss my Dad so much. Sometimes I still pick up the phone thinking I'll hear his voice. Sometimes I still expect him to show up when I sing or perform somewhere, with his harmonica around his neck and a fedora on his head. I need to hear him tell me I'm 'Esther "Broadway" Vallins', and how he's so proud of me, his talented daughter. I don't feel that way anymore.
I'm sure this day every year will get a little less difficult as time goes on. But as for tomorrow - I'm not ready.
